Anything to feel weightless again
Mar. 3rd, 2008 11:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mhuzzellI had a great weekend. James texted me on Friday evening telling me to come over for turkey, pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes, stuffing and gravy. My mood shot up like a geyser, and I breezed down to La Barricada for a "Thanksgiving" celebration of Leap Year Day. I was going to tell you all about it, friends: the deliciousness of the fatty turkey, the charming sweet potatoes, the perfect stuffing, and the crown of it all, the magical-wonderous 'spiced' pumpkin pie; beyond the food, the wine and banter; the warmth and simple friendly comfort of the whole weekend; the hangovers and happiness. Saturday we had a bonfire/barbeque for the Lower Rents Now Coalition. Not many people showed up, the coals wouldn't light on the grills, and we eventually got rained out -- but it didn't matter, because the afternoon was lovely and beautiful and the people were all full of love and a simmering political purpose. Besides, later that night we went to 'Ska Ska Ska!' night at the Union. I was a little apprehensive, because I'd never really been in touch with the whole 'ska' culture. I didn't really know what it was all about, and I didn't know how to skank. But then, I'd also never heard ska live before, and let me tell you, these guys were fucking good. Yeah, I get it now. I get it.
And I was going to tell you all about it. I was so excited, having been so low for so long, to have finally broken out of my depressive funk. But the truth is, I've gone right back down again. The truth is, I haven't felt this bad for this long in a good few years. I wrote a while back that I don't know what's wrong with me. That's still true, but I don't think I'm doing myself any favours by pretending that I shouldn't be upset just because I don't have any 'Real Problems'. I mean, my life is not so great right now. I'm basically failing Logic, which had always been my pet subject. I feel increasingly distant from my family. My little brother never talks to me about anything besides weed; meanwhile my friend Micah, just 19, actually lists 'sobriety' (alongside 'God' and 'service') as an interest on Facebook. My phone doesn't work, so I haven't talked to my mum in ages. My room is a mess. My body is a mess. My life is a mess. I'm just exhausted -- a complete, penetrating exhaustion that runs far deeper than mere physical tiredness. A part of me just wants to go to bed and sleep for years and years; another part knows it will never be enough.
Above all, I think I'm just lonely. It's another of those emotions I tend to try to ignore in the hopes that it will just go away; to deny and deny until I take a hard look at my behaviour and can't deny it anymore. Last night I ended up staying at La Barricada again, despite really needing to go home and get shit done, because Corinne wanted to watch another movie and I couldn't bear to go back home. Couldn't bear to go back to my lonely little room again.
It's weird, because even during the bits of this summer when I lived completely alone, I seldom felt lonely. Here, I feel lonely all the time. It's that awful, 'crowded-room' loneliness, where you're surrounded by bodies but no real human connections. Except it's a bit worse; it's more like a 'crowded party where you know no one' kind of loneliness. I'm surrounded by people I barely know, who don't really care about me but with whom I have to maintain this pretence of smiling in corridors and supposed cameraderie. Yes, I have friends in Hall, but they're all either little more than acquaintances or else so busy with their own lives that it feels intrusive to bother them. Some, who had been friends, seem to have drifted back out to the polite friendliness of everyone else. That's maybe a little harsh on them -- if they are distant, it's probably not by design -- but it's still my perception. I generally forget that other people don't always see me as the same lowly, despicable creature I see myself as.
Either way, every time I'm home, I'm lonely -- and it's the most horrible kind of lonely, especially as I'm quite aware that I've put myself in this situation. I spent my first two years here building up friendships in the strong social network that was Uni Hall. This year I have systematically neglected all of those friendships. I've gotten so tied up in politics and Big Important Things that I've barely had time for anything else, and have been spending free time at La Barricada simply because it's convenient; because it's the only house of friends where I'm actually friends with all of the residents, and can usually be sure of finding someone at home. We value easy friendships for their ease, and I think it's easy to forget that maintaining friendships actually does take some modicum of effort, at least when you don't see each other all the time by routine. But I don't have any effort left. I just want to sleep.
And I was going to tell you all about it. I was so excited, having been so low for so long, to have finally broken out of my depressive funk. But the truth is, I've gone right back down again. The truth is, I haven't felt this bad for this long in a good few years. I wrote a while back that I don't know what's wrong with me. That's still true, but I don't think I'm doing myself any favours by pretending that I shouldn't be upset just because I don't have any 'Real Problems'. I mean, my life is not so great right now. I'm basically failing Logic, which had always been my pet subject. I feel increasingly distant from my family. My little brother never talks to me about anything besides weed; meanwhile my friend Micah, just 19, actually lists 'sobriety' (alongside 'God' and 'service') as an interest on Facebook. My phone doesn't work, so I haven't talked to my mum in ages. My room is a mess. My body is a mess. My life is a mess. I'm just exhausted -- a complete, penetrating exhaustion that runs far deeper than mere physical tiredness. A part of me just wants to go to bed and sleep for years and years; another part knows it will never be enough.
Above all, I think I'm just lonely. It's another of those emotions I tend to try to ignore in the hopes that it will just go away; to deny and deny until I take a hard look at my behaviour and can't deny it anymore. Last night I ended up staying at La Barricada again, despite really needing to go home and get shit done, because Corinne wanted to watch another movie and I couldn't bear to go back home. Couldn't bear to go back to my lonely little room again.
It's weird, because even during the bits of this summer when I lived completely alone, I seldom felt lonely. Here, I feel lonely all the time. It's that awful, 'crowded-room' loneliness, where you're surrounded by bodies but no real human connections. Except it's a bit worse; it's more like a 'crowded party where you know no one' kind of loneliness. I'm surrounded by people I barely know, who don't really care about me but with whom I have to maintain this pretence of smiling in corridors and supposed cameraderie. Yes, I have friends in Hall, but they're all either little more than acquaintances or else so busy with their own lives that it feels intrusive to bother them. Some, who had been friends, seem to have drifted back out to the polite friendliness of everyone else. That's maybe a little harsh on them -- if they are distant, it's probably not by design -- but it's still my perception. I generally forget that other people don't always see me as the same lowly, despicable creature I see myself as.
Either way, every time I'm home, I'm lonely -- and it's the most horrible kind of lonely, especially as I'm quite aware that I've put myself in this situation. I spent my first two years here building up friendships in the strong social network that was Uni Hall. This year I have systematically neglected all of those friendships. I've gotten so tied up in politics and Big Important Things that I've barely had time for anything else, and have been spending free time at La Barricada simply because it's convenient; because it's the only house of friends where I'm actually friends with all of the residents, and can usually be sure of finding someone at home. We value easy friendships for their ease, and I think it's easy to forget that maintaining friendships actually does take some modicum of effort, at least when you don't see each other all the time by routine. But I don't have any effort left. I just want to sleep.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 08:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 09:54 pm (UTC)also, i'm having that distance from family feeling. haven't talked to anyone except mom in a while, pete only talks about weed....it's ridiculous. meanwhile i'm feeling more and more like a social parriah (sp?) and really out of it.
so, even though i can say nothing to help you, i do sympathize.