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I think I am having a crisis of faith
As a child, I believed in God the same way I believed in atoms: I accepted their existence on faith because the Grown-Ups said they existed. Of course, the vast majority of our 'knowledge' comes not from personal experience, but from the testimony of someone we consider to be a relevant authority. Which, to a child, is pretty much any adult.
But I got older, I learned about the scientific method and the basis for 'facts' and became more discriminating in whose word to trust. I stopped believing in Santa Claus, the Greatness of America, and Jesus Crist. But I'm still feeling the sting from that last one.
I suppose it's something to do with being raised mostly-Christian. Not that I was ever very Christian. Even back when we went to church semi-regularly, we generally went with my mother; on the way home she would often provide us with her own alternative sermon, or an interpretation of what the ministers had said, coloured by her own peculiar, somewhat occult beliefs. And in his own time, my dad would tell us stories about Baha'u'llah, and explain Baha'i beliefs, which in as far as I understood them, made a lot more sense to me than the Christian ones.
In recent years, even my mother seems to have abandoned typical Christian doctrine entirely, favouring a sort of New Age Christianity, in which Jesus is the highest of many powerful ascended spirits that were once human, or something like that.
I've been solidly agnostic towards all of this New-Agey psychic stuff. My own experiences make me want to believe that there is something in them (even if it's not what the New Age community thinks it is), but they are not beyond question. Every 'proof' I have seen is easily explained by science and coincidence.
But recently, I've added 'God' to this category of 'maybe there's something out there' beliefs. I don't deny the existence of God (in whatever form God might have), but I don't think I believe like I used to. Even in questioning whether or not I believe, the answers I find point to non-belief; there is a great chasm of difference between believing in something and being prepared to accept the possibility of its existence.
And with this, my whole world-view is shifting. It's incredibly frightening.
On the other side, I found out recently that a friend of mine back home got 'saved'. Upon hearing, I had no words to express my sadness and disappointment. Religion brings a lot of people happiness, I suppose, but not like that... not like that.
But I got older, I learned about the scientific method and the basis for 'facts' and became more discriminating in whose word to trust. I stopped believing in Santa Claus, the Greatness of America, and Jesus Crist. But I'm still feeling the sting from that last one.
I suppose it's something to do with being raised mostly-Christian. Not that I was ever very Christian. Even back when we went to church semi-regularly, we generally went with my mother; on the way home she would often provide us with her own alternative sermon, or an interpretation of what the ministers had said, coloured by her own peculiar, somewhat occult beliefs. And in his own time, my dad would tell us stories about Baha'u'llah, and explain Baha'i beliefs, which in as far as I understood them, made a lot more sense to me than the Christian ones.
In recent years, even my mother seems to have abandoned typical Christian doctrine entirely, favouring a sort of New Age Christianity, in which Jesus is the highest of many powerful ascended spirits that were once human, or something like that.
I've been solidly agnostic towards all of this New-Agey psychic stuff. My own experiences make me want to believe that there is something in them (even if it's not what the New Age community thinks it is), but they are not beyond question. Every 'proof' I have seen is easily explained by science and coincidence.
But recently, I've added 'God' to this category of 'maybe there's something out there' beliefs. I don't deny the existence of God (in whatever form God might have), but I don't think I believe like I used to. Even in questioning whether or not I believe, the answers I find point to non-belief; there is a great chasm of difference between believing in something and being prepared to accept the possibility of its existence.
And with this, my whole world-view is shifting. It's incredibly frightening.
On the other side, I found out recently that a friend of mine back home got 'saved'. Upon hearing, I had no words to express my sadness and disappointment. Religion brings a lot of people happiness, I suppose, but not like that... not like that.
a very long musing on religion
I was raised to believe in nothing at all, and my parents being something along the lines of a "militant agnostic" (my definition, not there's) the fact that I always had a sense of something "other" or "greater" than the physical world made me an oddity in my family.
I got quite a bit of exposure to a traditional Christian and (I will go out on a limb here) "narrow-minded" (since the version of Christianity that I have experienced in suburban in rural America most often supports some form prejudice or close-minded thinking) religion outside my family. The parents, the children and teenagers, and (to a large, unofficial extent) the schools in Sheridan supported a version of the Christian faith that taught children to use the words "Jewish" and "gay" as a synonym for "stupid," and to correct the science teachers should they ever be so misguided as to use the word "evolution" in a biology class.
Being the spiritual person that I was, however, I tried to force myself into this form of religion that was supported by the community at large. I went to a few different churches, and a couple of Youth Groups, until I tried attending the First Cavalry Baptist Church which several friends of mine went to regularly. I think I went to one sermon there, and it was narrow-minded and unconscionable, and so against every ethical value that I had ever held since childhood, that it turned me off of all religion for most of the rest of my time in Sheridan. It was almost a year and a half before I felt I could feel safe in a church. I think it was three years before I started praying again.
In College, I've been in this weird state of flux between wanting very much to commit to one faith and one set of teachings, and trying to be comfortable with this weird, in-between state that I find myself in. I believe in God, in a Christian sense, but not in Jesus. I believe in Karma, more than heaven, but don't believe in reincarnation. I believe that it is absolutely wrong to hate someone based on who they love or how they choose to believe the world is created. I go to mass, but still ponder a lot of quaker believes, and miss silent worship.
I'm sorry for how ridiculously long this post has gotten. I don't know if you'll find it meaningful or not, but any topic on religion sparks my discusion gene. These days, I'm a double major in Religious Studies and Political Science, which has been interesting, to say the least.
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george wesley at http://bahaiviews.blogspot.com
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I don't think I know you... may I ask how you found my journal?
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george wesley at http://bahaiviews.blogspot.com
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I agree with the first comment. People's journeys of faith/idealogy/enlightenment (?) are always a source of wonder. I guess what you're going through is why we call it a journey. It's rarely something that stays completely the same thorughout your life, whatever the changes that may come. No one can ever really tell you what to believe, it's such a personal thing. I can't tell you to believe nor at the same time can I tell you not to. However I will give you this 1)you know, you can always go back. I know there are some decision which once you have made them you can't go back on them, but this one I'd say you could if you really wanted to. That's the wonderful things about ideas - they can change, and 2) You'll work it out. The mind is all for resolving cognitive dissonance... or whatever comes nearest to what you are experiencing. Doubt is all a part of faith (sorry if I'm patronising) and this state of thinking is all a part of the evolution of personal ideas about how the world works. No stress, you'll get there xxx