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Damage to the Depressive Cortex
Mar. 6th, 2010 06:49 amI shuffled home drunk from the staff party at like 1:30 am [now] last night, and probably got to sleep around 2 with a belly full of instant noodles and cake. Slept deeply for a few hours and then woke up at 4:20 in that overheated drunken way that one sometimes wakes up. I drank a bunch of water and tossed and turned for the next hour and a half.
At 5:40, now long sober, I noticed a slow grey light creeping around the edge of the curtain (which on investigation turned out to be from the kitchen light reflecting off the tree in the garden, but by the time I found this out the sky was lightening), and decided the time had come for the always-bad decision to just give up and get up. The thought of doing so made me tired, so I lay back hopefully for another 20 minutes, but couldn't keep my eyes closed.
Even so, the few hours of tossing and turning came on the back of another few of actual sleep, and so, while just as annoying, tonight has been much less soul-destroying than normal insomnia. At least, I assume that is normal. That is what I mean most of the time when I complain about it here. Not so much "tossing and turning" as "helpless despair". By comparison, a night of actual tossing and turning is not so bad.
Nor have I been despairing much in general, lately. I dropped a heavy ceramic vase/ornament-thing on my head on Wednesday, and apart from the sore spot have felt pretty good since then. I am trying to think that maybe I have killed off the depressed part of my brain. I know it doesn't work that way, but I can dream. I've also been actually taking the magnesium supplements my mother keeps sending me, and getting drunk every other night, hanging out with friends every night, and getting lots of housework done, which makes me feel productive. In reality, it's probably mostly the last two that are making the difference, and anyway I'm getting a little superstitious even mentioning this rare upswing in mood, because doing so so often seems to precede a major crash. Touch wood, touch wood.
It is properly dawn now.
At 5:40, now long sober, I noticed a slow grey light creeping around the edge of the curtain (which on investigation turned out to be from the kitchen light reflecting off the tree in the garden, but by the time I found this out the sky was lightening), and decided the time had come for the always-bad decision to just give up and get up. The thought of doing so made me tired, so I lay back hopefully for another 20 minutes, but couldn't keep my eyes closed.
Even so, the few hours of tossing and turning came on the back of another few of actual sleep, and so, while just as annoying, tonight has been much less soul-destroying than normal insomnia. At least, I assume that is normal. That is what I mean most of the time when I complain about it here. Not so much "tossing and turning" as "helpless despair". By comparison, a night of actual tossing and turning is not so bad.
Nor have I been despairing much in general, lately. I dropped a heavy ceramic vase/ornament-thing on my head on Wednesday, and apart from the sore spot have felt pretty good since then. I am trying to think that maybe I have killed off the depressed part of my brain. I know it doesn't work that way, but I can dream. I've also been actually taking the magnesium supplements my mother keeps sending me, and getting drunk every other night, hanging out with friends every night, and getting lots of housework done, which makes me feel productive. In reality, it's probably mostly the last two that are making the difference, and anyway I'm getting a little superstitious even mentioning this rare upswing in mood, because doing so so often seems to precede a major crash. Touch wood, touch wood.
It is properly dawn now.
