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Sea-Change, or Contemplations Thereon
Sep. 15th, 2007 06:15 pmGreetings, O My Readers. It's been a while since I updated, I know. Lately I've become more conscious of this journal as a thing to be read, and not just as a place for me to spew my rants and rambles. I suppose it is still that, but it seems like more people are actually reading it now, or at least more than did when I first set it up. As such, I've been trying to make it a bit more readable, trying to cut down on the 'and then, and then' format of former journal entries and actually apply some craft.
...Which suddenly makes the whole thing some sort of terrifying performance. Now I'm writing, not just rambling, and I find myself putting less and less of my everyday life into it, because of course my everyday life is not very interesting. I was never tempted by Blogger for just this reason: LJ is so casual, so free of expectations. Though I suppose it is technically a personal blogging site, to me there seems to be a distinct difference between LJs and blogs. Blogs are semi-professional, not too personal, written specifically to be read by some (occasionally imaginary) online audience. To have a blog is to imply that your words are actually something worth reading, whereas LiveJournal claims to be nothing more than a personal journal published online.
When I first started up m' LJ, I just wrote whatever came to mind. My attitude was that, since it was a personal journal, I could write whatever the hell I felt like and if people didn't want to read it they didn't have to. Which is still true, I suppose. But the fact that people are now reading it makes me feel like I should make it worth their while. After all, I like when people read what I write, and it seems only fair that I should write interesting things to keep them interested. (Hint: anything marked 'cool stuff' is probably worth a look. Hang the rest.) But even now, here I am writing another introspective ramble of no real concern to anyone. Perhaps I should just stick with the whole 'writing what I feel like' attitude, and not worry about people. If they want to read, they will, and I can continue to write about what I choose, only perhaps paying more attention to how I write it. I've got that disclaimer in my profile, anyway.
So on that note, here is another chunk of introspective rambling, this time about something other than itself:
When I first got back to St Andrews a few weeks ago, I found 'I LOVE YOU' chalked all over town. It was everywhere, on doorjambs and steps, paving stones, the sides of buildings, fenceposts, everywhere. It varied in size, but it was always the same plain white chalk, and in the same plain, casual, masculine/androgynous, sans-serif handwriting. As I then described, I found it heartwarming.
Then, a few days afterwards, I noticed that some of the 'I LOVE YOU's had 'I LOVE YOU TOO!' written beside, below, or--in one case--inside them. Intellectually, I found that sweet as well, but on some deeper level it really bothered me, and it took me a while to figure out why:
The first reason is purely aesthetic. Whereas the 'I LOVE YOU's were, if not subtle, at least rather plain, the 'I LOVE YOU TOO!'s demand attention. They are written in garishly bright purple and yellow chalk. The hand is exuberant and feminine. But worst of all, they have those exclamation marks--the dots of which are replaced by asterisks. Ugh.
But even if the 'I LOVE YOU TOO!'s were not so ugly, I think they would still bother me. I've been trying to find a way to describe the feeling, but the best I can come up with is that it's like when someone waves to you on the street, and you wave back only to realise that they were actually waving at someone behind you. It's not as though I thought that someone was addressing me specifically with the 'I LOVE YOU's, but to have someone else who is clearly not me reply to them makes me think, at least subconsciously, that they were maybe meant for that person (and, by extension, not me). Those of you with logical minds are likely spotting the fallacies here, and yes, I see it too: there's no reason that the 'I LOVE YOU's could not be addressed to the population as a whole, and the fact that only one or some of them chose to reply does not negate the love expressed to the rest. I know that. But it's just how it makes me feel, okay?
...Which suddenly makes the whole thing some sort of terrifying performance. Now I'm writing, not just rambling, and I find myself putting less and less of my everyday life into it, because of course my everyday life is not very interesting. I was never tempted by Blogger for just this reason: LJ is so casual, so free of expectations. Though I suppose it is technically a personal blogging site, to me there seems to be a distinct difference between LJs and blogs. Blogs are semi-professional, not too personal, written specifically to be read by some (occasionally imaginary) online audience. To have a blog is to imply that your words are actually something worth reading, whereas LiveJournal claims to be nothing more than a personal journal published online.
When I first started up m' LJ, I just wrote whatever came to mind. My attitude was that, since it was a personal journal, I could write whatever the hell I felt like and if people didn't want to read it they didn't have to. Which is still true, I suppose. But the fact that people are now reading it makes me feel like I should make it worth their while. After all, I like when people read what I write, and it seems only fair that I should write interesting things to keep them interested. (Hint: anything marked 'cool stuff' is probably worth a look. Hang the rest.) But even now, here I am writing another introspective ramble of no real concern to anyone. Perhaps I should just stick with the whole 'writing what I feel like' attitude, and not worry about people. If they want to read, they will, and I can continue to write about what I choose, only perhaps paying more attention to how I write it. I've got that disclaimer in my profile, anyway.
So on that note, here is another chunk of introspective rambling, this time about something other than itself:
When I first got back to St Andrews a few weeks ago, I found 'I LOVE YOU' chalked all over town. It was everywhere, on doorjambs and steps, paving stones, the sides of buildings, fenceposts, everywhere. It varied in size, but it was always the same plain white chalk, and in the same plain, casual, masculine/androgynous, sans-serif handwriting. As I then described, I found it heartwarming.
Then, a few days afterwards, I noticed that some of the 'I LOVE YOU's had 'I LOVE YOU TOO!' written beside, below, or--in one case--inside them. Intellectually, I found that sweet as well, but on some deeper level it really bothered me, and it took me a while to figure out why:
The first reason is purely aesthetic. Whereas the 'I LOVE YOU's were, if not subtle, at least rather plain, the 'I LOVE YOU TOO!'s demand attention. They are written in garishly bright purple and yellow chalk. The hand is exuberant and feminine. But worst of all, they have those exclamation marks--the dots of which are replaced by asterisks. Ugh.
But even if the 'I LOVE YOU TOO!'s were not so ugly, I think they would still bother me. I've been trying to find a way to describe the feeling, but the best I can come up with is that it's like when someone waves to you on the street, and you wave back only to realise that they were actually waving at someone behind you. It's not as though I thought that someone was addressing me specifically with the 'I LOVE YOU's, but to have someone else who is clearly not me reply to them makes me think, at least subconsciously, that they were maybe meant for that person (and, by extension, not me). Those of you with logical minds are likely spotting the fallacies here, and yes, I see it too: there's no reason that the 'I LOVE YOU's could not be addressed to the population as a whole, and the fact that only one or some of them chose to reply does not negate the love expressed to the rest. I know that. But it's just how it makes me feel, okay?
